For today’s dose of Dave’s Wisdom concerning Micro Fiction, read an excerpt from a piece I wrote, a piece of horror, and see what magic Dave works with it.
- Don't want to scare anyone off, but be warned. General torture ahead.
Original Hook - (185 words)She woke to pain. She felt beaten and broken from top to bottom. Her toes had throbbed all night in those sky-blue Christian Louboutin candidate pumps she had worn, so she wasn’t sure if that particular suffering was new or not. She ached inside as well. Her dress! Her gasp changed to a grimace as a sharp pain lanced through her side. She had never broken a rib, but she had suffered through many Sundays of watching football with her fiancé and remembered the agony he reminisced about after every injury on the screen. She was pretty sure it was the same. She cracked open an eye, crusted with blood. The other eye wouldn’t open at all. An aroma of metal, sweat, and drying blood drowned out her Chanel No. 5. Her mouth felt sticky and dry. Her tongue worked around clumps of some viscous substance and several new gaps in her once perfect smile. She sobbed then. From the pain and the silly little thought of the years she had worn braces and headgear to get her teeth all neat in a row. Ruined.
Concise Hook – notice the story does not change. (70 words)
She awoke to awful pain. From head to toe, every inch of her body suffered from the torture she endured at the hands of her captor. She managed to force one blood crusted eye open, while her tongue searched her mouth, but her tongue found only stumps where once her beautiful teeth glistened in smile. She sobbed from the memory of the years she wore braces to create that smile.
Note: In the revision I omitted the part about the husband. More info about her captor might show a greater sense of the situation. In a longer story, the husband section might bring a greater mood to the story, but for flash fiction stick to the essentials. The writer may find many ways to revise the story, and the hook. One perfect way does not exist.
You can read the entire original short piece here.
For the student: Please read the entire original story and see what you can do to produce a more concise story.